New Chapter

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“Maybe in another life I’d’v been a political analysis ” then I laughed, raised up my glass .. and left .

My whole life been in and out of politics , going in circles about who’s right and who’s wrong, mocking the ones who sit on the other side of the table , trying to turn it around but it always ends up on my head. here, I am a total Palestinian.

“But in this life, I just want to find peace.. i actually want a lot of things but mostly peace” that’s what i wanted to say, but i couldn’t .

Most of my childhood was perfect, Disney movies, birthday’s one the beach, straight A student, and the best of all I was daddy’s lil princess. then i started to grow up . we all know how it is to grow up, reality hits you in your stomach it hurts so bad that you want to vomit your soul out .

But what Most of you don’t know is how to grow up As a Palestinian, in a little town called Gaza . Even dreaming is a battle here . i keep watching those Hollywood/Americano movies and they keep saying the sky is the limit . I close my eyes, i actually can feel myself flying, touching those clouds so soft like my grandma’s hands, and the sky so  blue i can almost forget yesterday . then Boom, another explosion near by, a reminder why ! A statement in my life to not forget that Israel is the limit .

“She broke his heart, then went out side to smoke another cigarette ” i wrote that the other day on my note-book, then scratched it before anybody could see it .

I was lucky enough to be raised up by my parents who fell in love then got married. i wanted to be like them so bad that i kept looking for love in every corner . then i found out that love was never born in this little town .

Love is forbidden . Love is evil . the only Love you are allowed to have is the Love for your country, then you grow up and your eyes get wider and you find out the ones who you thought Loves this country the most are the ones who betrayed her the most . you get chocked then heart broken , then you realize how its much easier to not care .

“Light that candle sweetheart, the night is so long ” i keep singing every-time the electricity is out . 

The best solution is to cut the electricity from the whole world for one week . then maybe we can all find our humanity again .

Electricity is so important that we can’t stand waiting in the line for bread without WiFi . in another case for the out side world waiting in the line for a Starbucks coffee .

I light up the candle at night because I want to see how painful love could be, the wax keeps melting and the fire keeps eating it so beautifully just like our love for our country . I am not afraid from the dark, i just found a way to watch my pain .

Rejected; A mother of a terrorist

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She panicked and called her sisters, just to come over and be there when an actual family support is needed. She said “I was alone with her at the house, it was too much for me to control even myself from shaking “.

She is a friend of mine. She maybe thought herself panicking but she knew exactly what was happening and how to deal with i , that moment her mother was crying because she didn’t find her son’s name – who is my friend’s brother – on the TV . She thought he was released with the latest convention between Israel and Palestine, about Palestinian prisoners . that deal held more than 1000 human beings who were in prison for no clear reason but loving their country so much that they are ready to spend the rest of their lives fighting even in prison, and who were released them last summer .

She told me her mother kept looking at the names on the TV and crying, as if he could actually be released. Because the fact is, he is not even alive .

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This brother/son was the first person who did martyring operation from Gaza strip, he was a Jehadi means he is a member of Al Jehad Al Islami movement, in that time it was rarely known. Most of the family are members in Fatah party, it was a surprise. He was 18 back then, he was old enough to make his own decision legally, but to his mother he would always be her little baby boy.

She got some tears in her eyes, I wondered is it for losing her brother or for her mother losing her mind. My eyes got watered as well, but that didn’t keep me from thinking. Do I support this kind of resistance?

if yes, why ? Because I believe I shouldn’t wish harm for anyone even the ones who hurt me . but still deep inside of me, I will always wish them all vanish because by that I would still have my father right now here with me, I won’t be lost in this big world without my old man holding me tight , protecting me , and showing me how precious I am , I won’t be this 20 years old girl who keeps smiling just because I don’t want anyone to see how is it like to lose your father when your just 17 and you know nothing about the world but beauty .

and what if I say no , I don’t support it , then what do I support ? Peace?! As if I know what that means? They never gave us a chance to have peace, resistance used these methods because this is all what they got , no weapons to use, no governments to support, no one to help them survive , so they used their bodies . They do what any soldier would do for his troop to survive, just the labels are different!

I can’t understand how is it accepted for a soldier to kill, but for a resistant not to! They both have the same purpose I guess, they both love their country, they both want what’s the best for their people or at least for their families to feel safe home.

She told me that they – her mother and herself – tried to visit her sister in west bank afterwards, who got married before the martyring operation obviously, and for that you need permission from the Israeli authorities! Ironic! It’s like having a permission from the thief who stool your house to visit the other room, which very much your room in your house and very close to you as well!!

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And for that , they send a rejection . it said : No, you are rejected; A mother of a terrorist !

 

    Dear who ever read this story, I still can’t make my own decision. I think as just a human for a moment then I change to a very angry unforgiving person the next , but I can’t deny they both are who I am . However, the first one was my own piece of art , but the other was their own piece of shit .

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A government that forgot how to love its country !

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The 9th of may, 2012 was a very busy morning, an exhausting night, and something in the middle of it shocked me till I blow up inside in ! I’m pretty much stressed bec of the filming for my university but I am sure as well that what happened today was true, not an illusion .

The short film I’m working on with my team from my university in the beginning was about the movie theaters in Gaza city, but bec of some difficult circumstances we changed the idea to the supporters in Gaza for the hunger striking in the Israeli prisons .

Couple of minutes in our film was managed to include the Palestine Fest Of Literature crew from Egypt, as an international support , to give a stronger statement for the human nation stand in the pal-hunger cause. so we went as planned to meet the crew where they were meant to make their last event at Al Basha castle at 5 pm. we tried to make the interviews before the event but that was very difficult to happen bec they were organizing and focusing on their event . so we decided to stay for awhile maybe we get to interview one or two during the event then interview the rest after wards .

Suddenly interrupting the event , I see this young lady wearing a white shirt walking after a man and takes her camera back from him and shouting in his face “ ITS NOT YOUR RIGHT مش من حقك “ !! I believe she’s from the crew . then couple of other men came in talking about shutting down the event ! then I saw Tareq Hamdan jumping from his seat yelling in their faces “ by this you distorts our image in the world “ – “ this is wrong “ . the man who turned out to be from the police told tareq to shut up but tareq yelled lauder “ No I am not going to shut up “ . the crew tried to control the situation by calming down everyone from every side , but that didn’t do much for any .

 the authority for some reason didn’t want the event to continuo , the audience wanted it to continuo, the crew wanted to know WHAT IS GOING ON !?

All that happened of course after the electricity was off, we all thought it was the normal schedule timing but apparently it wasn’t ! so basically there was no mikes nor speakers to make the event more hearable . but even thought they continued by the demands of the audience not to care and keep the event on. the beautiful band Askanderala came into the middle and wanted to start the music but then the official statement for the authority of the government took place , they wanted to shut down the event . there was a man from them filming the audience and everyone who was there – which was very shameful and despicable – so one of the crew or the audience, I am not sure exactly, filmed them in return so they attacked her of course . and gave an order to evacuate the place .

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Everyone was shocked – I mean the crew was shocked – then tried to know what to do . everyone wanted to stay . everyone thought by their little minds as normal humans what happened didn’t make any sense . why such an event must be shut down ? is this how we treat our guests ? why is it forbidden to know more about life ? more about joy ? about freedom ? how did a resistance movement turn into a dictatorship government ? how did someone who was ready to die for me and our land to have its freedom turn into someone who is ready to kill me and torture me ? and maybe occupant me more !

I said to Alaa Abd el Fattah “ so when you leave you tell the world what is actually going on over here . we can’t talk about it” . he yelled in anger saying “ you must talk about it . if you don’t , our words won’t make a change” . I said “we did then got beaten up and arrested “. he said “ get arrested , so what ! our revolution was based on 10 years of this kind of treatment ! “ – I felt I was a coward ! I couldn’t say a word . bec deep inside I know that Palestine deserves a better government , if not for us for the martyrs who fought for us , for this land and for dignity . for those prisoners who might die any second because of hunger . deep inside I know that this is wrong . but I also know that if I fought back, no one will take my back from my brothers and sisters .

 no one is strong enough to fight a government like this, they built every bone of it based of anger and hate , to wards Israel, USA, the international silence, Fatah, poverty, and humiliation . there was no place for love . then how come I would expect the policeman to love me and take care of me . to think twice before he arrest me !

Some girls cried in the event, one of the crew said “ when we fought in the revolution , we took the strength from you here , from the Palestinians “ – I felt so little after those words . I felt so little that I will never be like my father or my grandfather who both fought and died for the belief of this land .

The event was shut down as they wanted. the crew were shocked, mad, and ashamed of such a behavior . my team and I took our camera and left .

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All the way back to al jundi square , where I wanted to film with the supporters there , I was thinking why did they do such thing ?! I was feeling his huge pain in my chest. I was thinking about what Alaa said . I was wondering if I am a coward really or not ? or did I just choose to have different priorities , but if so would that make me a real Palestinian , would that honor my families line which is full of fighters and martyrs ?! what if I did something, would the society accept me or attack me with shallow and unreasonable judgments ! if I got arrested who will help to release me ?! Would I ever be released ? would I make a change !?

The ironic part , actually when I went to al Jundi and found out that Nabeel Shaath coming to visit the supporters , people waiting for him with yellow/Fatah flags ! So basically one of the main heads in Fatah party can come and practice the normal activity of a citizen in front of the media so everyone would say Hamas and Fatah are great and peaceful and good governments . but We THE PEOPLE can NOT !!

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I want to apologize for the Palfest crew, but its not my fault my government authority forgot how to love Palestine. I still do, and that’s why I am writing this. maybe now I go to sleep.

#PalFestGaza

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“We dream that we are other people or we are other people but we dream that we are us “ –Tareq Hamdan

That was Tareq Hamdan a Palestinian poet from Ramallah who got the chance to come visit the other half of his heart –Gaza

Those words kept ringing in my head all day, for a normal person maybe he would sound lunatic but for me, I felt I am not the only one on earth who wonder sometimes.. And that’s I believe the beauty of Art and literature. it explores the inside out . it opens you up in marvelous ways that one day you might be able to guide an army or more simply a generation to revolute .

Today was the first day of The Palestine Festival of Literature in Gaza -which you can know more info about through twitter #palfestGaza  or through their facebook official page < just type its name and you’ll find it > or by many other websites that follow its news day by day – this festival will be held for almost a week in many places here in Gaza . the blast among this all that an Egyptian crew of poets and writers joined the fest which gave it the best taste ever especially that it doesn’t only show how strong the word of literature could be to break even our siege but how strong the Arabs well became, and I honestly started feeling this since last summer workshop I attended in Tunisia for creative commons.

Today the 6th of may, 2012 there was a workshop at my university – Al Aqsa, it was held by the English and Arabic literature departments, but even though I study broadcasting and Tv it didn’t matter , when it comes to inspiration there are no limits , plus I was waiting for it so bad .

 Mr.Hedar Eid guided and coordinated the workshop which was great job as for usual, and it contained three beautiful and extraordinary poets who broke the siege by putting their feet on Gaza’s land from Egypt , first was Dr.Ahdaf who read some touching lines from her new book “Cairo, my city, our revolution “ as an opening for the workshop then started discussions with us about literature and its strength , the revolution and her experience , which included Mr.Khaled who is also an Egyptian writer – his latest books “ Taxi “ – who also studied political science which lead to many political conversations about the current situation in Egypt , and I’d like to quote him saying an amazing line which personally describes the right principals for any revolution  :

“ the change starts from the bottom to the peak . Not vise versa “

and added a clarification I’d like to share it with you , he said what the current authorities are trying to do, first spreading fear about the future and the results of the revolution , making people feel unsafe in their own land and homes , and most of all occupy the people’s lives by chaos, any kind of it . we also discussed  how is it for beginners to write, is writing a gift or not ? and how to develop it , and as a writer how to turn your pen into your weapon .

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And the third poet who took a special place in our hearts Mr.Tareq , who is originally a Palestinian from Ramallah . just to see a brother from the land I can not reach but still mine was an indescribable feeling . he also read for us some of his poetry from his latest book “ when I was a sperm “ which was really powerful, one was presented specially for Gaza when the Israeli terrorist authority attacked us for 23 days in a row in 2008/2009 , that war/holocausts that killed pieces inside of me, it took so much from us that we could ever talk about or write about or even cry about , it’s the bomb who took Maha’s mother – my bestfriend- , its also the bomb who created this little lunatic monster inside of me so that every time we get attacked I laugh instead of crying, I dance instead of dying, I tweet instead of hiding. Having Mr.Tareq was an unbreakable faith in Unity as well, it made me feel that we were never separated, we were always Palestinians, it was never Westbaner or Gazen.

Today was full of inspiration for me, full of joy and hope. it was a day to remember.

 

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The crew are planning to join the solidarity tents for the hunger striking Palestinian in the Israeli political persons at Al Jundi Al Majhol – the unknown soldier square – tomorrow . which was also a subject we mentioned through our discussions today . it will be a great matter for all of us to join as well and continuo even after wards .

“ you are not defeated until you accept defeat “

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Issues

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From where I see the world . it is nothing like I thought it is . or I imagined it would be .

This morning I was in a gathering , mostly socializing , different ages were included and you can see in each person their generation issues . I was wondering if my issues could be read through my eyes as well . but all points I could match were mostly about Freedom and dignity .

We brought up the issue of electricity that all of the attendance pay its bills but never really have enough of it ! and I found out – not much sure of this info –  the bills we pay is not for Israel that pump us with electricity – unfortunately – but it goes for the government on our area and who knows what do they do with our money ! bec the electricity that comes from Israel who is our only source is paid by the PA Palestinian authority which locates in west bank !

But why did I bring this up ! bec I was thinking all day about where does my fuckin money go ! bec I would like to by a camera with high options to capture all the events in my life that is basically creating this creature who is me ! and I would like to help my friend in university that can’t pay enough to graduate ! maybe support some orphans I know who are in need and who lost their parents by different terrorism ways by our peaceful neighbor as it called .

when I stopped doing anything related to showing what I think to the world .. to be more specific . when I stopped showing what I Really think to the world . the image became clearer . no one can effect on you . you are the only observer . and I found out how much everything is missed up . and how much that is effecting on my life one way or another . I tried to sum up some of what I see .

Israel occupies my land . controls everything . and terrorizes me for saying No .

most people are starting to accept the idea and some just gave up on saying No.

what is left of my Palestine – my land – is authorized by two different governments , they also do not do that much of any kind of good job on that , they stopped saying no to Israel , and they don’t want me to say no to it , nor to them . so I am not allowed to say No .

I am a female so I can’t just say no to what I think is wrong and worth the word No .

Even though,

Israel said No to me when I asked its permission to visit my grandmother in westbank and she is sick .

When I say I want to resist this pain, siege,  and fatherless life . people say No.

When I said I want unity to be strong enough to fight the occupation and Zionism my two fucked up governments said No .

When a friend want to report a sexual harassment, males say No .

Interesting how small things could change people lives , by the way those are only some head lines in my mind before I go to bed . but truthfully who said the truth hurts didn’t lie . which is odd to find as well .

I still wonder if my issues could be read through my eyes , if a whole generation could have much pain in common than their taste in music . if you could read more in what I wrote than there is . I still wonder why do we keep denying our main issues just to keep living daily life when it is not even worth it without being free . without being free to say No when you deserve better .

NO because I deserve my country . I am worth living as a citizen . I am worth the world’s respect in airports . I am a human being with rights I want to know them in real life not only in books . I deserve a government which would protect me not beat me up . I deserve an authority that would fight for me . I am a female with the right to choose what she wants and how she wants to live .

– N

#PalestineFlag

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Childhood. playground. national anthem. Za’atar and olive oil sandwich. UN schools. uniform. Jasmine flowers. Art class. grandfather’s picture. a bracelet. red walls. harling stones. borders. children. wrinkles. Proud. exchanging Honor. History. drams. kan’an. Faith. Smile. Believe. Unity. Pride. Palestine. One. Flag. I.MISS.YOU.

 

“this issue make me stop and think when is the last time that i saw the Palestinian flag ??” – Ala’ Ibrahim Said ” OMG, since school days” !!! and that is Painfully True !!

This Hole in our Hearts, Made us think .. why not start by this Campaign on internet , Reminding each other, all Palestinians, and the world of Our Beloved Flag .. Remind them why Flags mainly exist .. and How One Flag should be above Us All .. The Palestinian Flag

Plant it in every page. Blog. FaceBook. Twitter. EVERYWHERE.  Support and Love Palestine.

I RESPECT YOU MY FLAG

colors, languages, and Palestine !

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that moment when you over think many things in your life , and you start wondering about little details you might not even ever notice usually !

so I tweeted this :

and I got this Reply that blew up my mind and even did more , it blew up this incredible #JustSaying idea in it :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4b71rT9fU-I

Since Colors are basically identified in our lives by our minds by the langauge we use , then principles and Emotions could be as Well .. Love and Hate for example , for some people saying I love you means Happiness, Joy, and Safe , but it also means for Some Pain, broken hearts, and insecurity .. Or Fighters and Terrorists , for some people the word Fighters means Soldiers, Freedom, and Victory , but for Some it means Blood, Wars, and rebellions , as well as terrorists , for some it relates to Islam, Arabs, and September 11 , but For Some others its USA, Israel, and George Bush !

All that and many more started rebelling in my head , but the most word that occupied it was Palestine ,

 

see each color of its flag has its own name and if you Google it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palestinian_flag each one has its own meaning , but to me as we learnt from the video – how language basically relates the color in our brains  it all means these : My Home , My Land , My Country, My Fight , My Faith , My Love, My Inner Peace, and Mostly My Dream ..

but i also want to point out something here , See older generations from political parties in Palestine Used to relate this Flag to these words as well as Freedom, Victory, and Our Rights .. but now All these and All the colors faded away , and all what i see in the streets or in people’s languages is blinding all of it in One color mostly either Green, Yellow, and others .. But we understand now from the Video that the enviroment and the atmosphere effects of how we see colors .. so i still think that we see things as how we want to see them , if we want to love we can , if we want to fight we can, if we want to Unite we can, if we want to Be Free , WE CAN !

Start Seeing , instead of just Looking .. maybe then things would change in our lives .. maybe then we can find Palestine on the Maps .. maybe then we can love each other the way we are ..

-N